I have a really hard time with the phrase “new normal.”  Can I just say that? It implies that somehow after a horrible trauma, crisis, or global event like a pandemic we can somehow get to a “normal“ state again. But sometimes the life we live after such events is anything but normal-and frankly, I have a hard time trying to convince myself or others that it should be considered so. ​
     Ask any parent who’s lost a child, anyone who has suffered a critical illness with lasting effects, or- like my 20 year daughter- someone who suffers daily from chronic illness. There is nothing “normal”  about life after or while suffering from these conditions.

   The definition of “normal” is “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.”  
In today’s world, almost nothing about our day-to-day life is usual, typical, or expected. Perhaps you’ll say, “But, it’s normal for us NOW.”  Well, hear me out. 

     Consider our social lives today with the pandemic. The CDC recommends that we wear a face covering when we leave our homes, stay at least six feet apart from others, and avoid large crowds of people for our safety & for the safety of our loved ones. Despite following these cautions, people can still get sick. Too many of them have died before their time- unexpectedly. This is not “normal.” 
 
      We are now facing the prospect of returning to school. Teachers across the country are worried beyond words because they don’t know how they can remain safe and teach our children. Every teacher knows that it’s the relationship they have with the students that creates the learning environment.  It’s the “Hello!” hugs, the pat on the back or the high five when a new skill is learned. It’s the shoulder to shoulder conversations in hallways when a student is needing a pep talk or a firm but loving redirection. How will school be “normal” without this?
   
     How will students’ lives be normal without being able to sit in that tight circle on the hallway floor, eating lunch together and gossiping? Or playing basketball at lunchtime?
Or for the little ones without singing in class or small group work? College students learning online instead of meeting their new dorm roommates? Clearly, it will not be “normal.”
 
   My point is not to be negative-just the opposite, actually. I ask you to acknowledge that this time period is anything but normal. To identify it as such by adding the adjective “new” before it does each of us a disservice.  It denies the absurdity of what we’re experiencing and the heartbreaking truth of it. 

• It’s not normal to be unable to hug a friend when you see them. 
•  It’s not normal for children to remain 6 feet apart from each other.
•  It’s not normal for a teacher to be unable to hug a student if they’re hurt. 
•  It’s not normal to be afraid to visit your elderly parents for fear of harming them. 

 
So how, then, do we choose to navigate this time without living in sadness? The answer, I believe, lies in finding the beauty in our current suffering. What beautiful thing does it say about us if we’re struggling with what they call “the new normal?”
     
For me, the struggle tells me how precious human connection is to me. It reminds me to cherish every single moment spent with my family, friends, and even strangers when we interact.  It reminds me to be grateful for every student I’ve taught over the 11 years that I’ve been a Special Education teacher. Each one was a gift- even if I didn’t feel that in the moment. Even those “tough“ kids were part of the patchwork of the experience. 
 
     For others, the struggle with this ‘new normal’ might say how much they value their independence. Perhaps they can find ways to express that independence while still remaining safe. Perhaps they can find new ways to be independent and community-minded at the same time. 
      And finally, perhaps for some of us, the struggle with “new normal” could say that we still have hope; that this is NOT how we want life to be forever.  That’s why I like to refer to our current time as “life today” rather than the new normal. It’s how life is for today- not necessarily for always. It accepts that this is "how it is" for now-- with radical acceptance and finding beauty in the now-- while still remaining hopeful for better days ahead.
​
      So, we hold on to hope by connecting with others in new and meaningful ways.  We find ways to be close despite distance. We find beauty amidst the suffering, because that’s where hope lives. 
 
     What beautiful thing does your struggle with “the new normal” say about you?  Find that, cherish It, and create your “life today” around it.
 
 ❤️Be well. ❤️

​"How do I help my clients who suffer from anxiety about the pandemic when I'm so anxious about it myself?" That question posed to me by a friend and fellow therapist (in one of those, "new normal" conversations by FaceTime) really hit home.  As the sole caregiver to two family members who are considered "high risk," I agree that these times can definitely cause anxiety.  
  Anxiety can be described as worry or stress- usually about some future event. We all know what anxiety feels like.  We usually feel it in our bodies somewhere, often before we're aware of the anxious thoughts. It's that pit in your stomach, the clenching of your teeth.  I know my anxiety finds a home in my neck and shoulder area- and I can find myself hunching up my shoulders or holding my breath without thinking about it.  That's how anxiety works: it finds a home in your body and lives there while you're going about your daily life.  
      So yes, we all know anxiety, right? Even the 'coolest" among us has had at least a few moments of anxiety in 2020, with the pandemic, fears about their own or their family's safety, financial worries due to lost wages, and the spike in the virus numbers now that we've tried to reopen.  Add to all of that the social issues we're facing in our country with the strife communities of color are experiencing and the division caused by political differences and we have a perfect storm for anxiety to live in our collective body as a country.

How do we evict anxiety from its home in our heads and our bodies?   Here are some thoughts:

1. Honor the anxiety: It’s real. There really is a pandemic that is potentially life-threatening and there are serious problems in the world. It might sound counter-intuitive but acknowledge the anxiety and validate it. It’s a real response to what’s happening in the world today. There is a real threat and as humans, anxiety comes with the territory when there’s a pandemic. Believe it or not, sometimes just acknowledging it and saying, “Ok, anxiety, I know you’re here and you can stay for a while,  but you’re not going to take over my life” is a powerful thing to do for your mental health. How can you talk to your anxiety today?
   
   
2.  Radical acceptance.  This is a concept found in DBT therapy which suggests that sometimes we just cannot keep painful emotions or events from happening, so complete  and total acceptance of the circumstances is in order. It doesn’t mean we have to like it, endorse it, or not want it to change; it just means we know “it is what it is.”  We can’t change life as it is today (the threat is real, we must social distance, etc).  But we must acknowledge that life can be (and IS) worth living even with painful events in it.
   What beautiful things, people, events can you find in your life even in the midst of the pandemic?
   
   
3. Flip It  
   What if we “flip it” and look at the anxiety a different way? If you’re my client, you know that phrase, right?  What beautiful thing does your anxiety about the pandemic say about you?   Maybe it says that you care about your health and your life.  Maybe it says that you really love and value your family, your friends, or people in general. Or perhaps it also says that you’re empathic and care about human suffering. It might mean that you’re in touch with your deepest, core values regarding humanity and how we should care for each other.  What beautiful thing does YOUR anxiety about the pandemic say about YOU?
   
   With that in mind, why should we change that? Why would you want to “get rid of” your caring for humanity or your family?  If your answer is “because I’m paralyzed” or “I’m depressed” and you want help with that, then it’s time to reach out. A licensed and trained cognitive behavioral therapist can teach you some tools to crush that anxiety-or at least dial it down to a more tolerable state.
   
   
4. Mindfulness Practice

Mindfulness essentially means to live intentionally with awareness in the present moment, without judgement, without attachment. Many spiritual practices involve mindfulness and mindfulness prayers or mantras.  We’ll be exploring this in more detail later, but one way to start practicing mindfulness is to begin by noticing your breath. Many of us tend to unconsciously hold our breath or breathe shallowly when we’re stressed, so a powerful first step in a mindfulness practice is to begin with breathing.  
Intentional breathing:  

1. Begin by slowly and intentionally inhaling through your nose, noticing the breath by expanding and filling your belly or diaphragm; feel it pushing out your belly.
2. Follow the breath to your lungs, feeling them fill. You might find yourself sitting up straighter to allow the breath to fully fill your lungs. Notice the feeling of your full lungs. 
3. Finally, exhale fully through your mouth. You might feel your neck/shoulders relax, your jaw start to soften. Repeat the process a few times.
   
   

When you have gotten comfortable with this process, take your breathing mindfulness with you throughout your day. Notice your breath as you go about your tasks:  “I’m picking up my toothbrush (notice your breath), “I’m wetting my toothbrush” (notice the breath), etc.  This is a basic practice of mindfulness that will start to get you into a more peaceful state throughout your day. What do you notice about your breathing right now?